Why I stopped drinking alcohol

INTRO!

I stopped drinking alcohol over two months ago.  I feel great and I do not have a desire to drink.  However, I am not here swear off alcohol forever.  I am just in a place where I am not interested. 

I do want to make a disclaimer before jumping in.  My intention for this post is not to shame those who drink- I honestly do not care what you do.  I drank most weekends since my teenage years- so I can totally relate to your interest in consuming alcohol. 

 I am writing this post to share my experience.  I think my voice is important because I have not found many others who share a similar journey to me.  I have heard from people who chose sobriety for religious reasons.  Others who hate the taste of alcohol.  Some who do not drink because they fear addiction.   And others who were an alcoholic and had to abstain due to their addiction and destructive behavior.  I do not think I was seriously addicted to alcohol.  I never identified myself as an “alcoholic.”  I was not destroying my life with alcohol.  I was still working, had healthy relationships with my family and friends, kept myself organized and felt fulfilled.  My situation was acceptable in American culture.   I was a social drinker.  

In this blog post, I will share with you my relationship with alcohol through the years.  You will see that it was not a smooth transition.  My consumption patterns oscillated contingent on what was going on in my life.  I will explain what changed my perspective on alcohol, how I got to the place I am at now and how I currently feel about embracing this new lifestyle.   

MY HISTORY WITH ALCOHOL

I started drinking young.  My first drink was at 15 years old.  I absolutely loved it.  I thought it was so much fun. I loved the feeling of my inhibitions slipping away.

That night was a big turning point for me.  From that moment forward, I wanted to drink at every chance I could get.  It became a big source of motivation for me.  Every weekend, I hoped there would be a party to drink at.  I remember being incredibly upset if I had to go away for a weekend and miss an opportunity to drink at a party.  Looking back, I was clearly attached to this thing but I was totally unaware.  It was socially accepted in my high school so I did not think twice. 

I was initially drawn to alcohol for a variety of reasons.  The obvious one was social credit.  Drinking alcohol was cool.  It showed that you were “edgy” and “down for whatever!”  I liked being associated with the party girl archetype. I wanted to shed the athlete identity I had most of my life.  I wanted to express myself in a new way. 

In high school talking to boys was desired but incredibly awkward.  Drinking alcohol reduced inhibitions and made these interactions feel easier.  

Looking back, I was incredibly anxious and insecure in High School.  I had a lot of walls up and did not feel comfortable with myself. Alcohol reduced my inhibitions. I loved how my anxiety and insecurities would dissipate when I was drunk.

COLLEGE YEARS/FIRST TIME ABSTAINING

The allure of alcohol began to fade as early as college.   I became more interested in nutrition and taking care of myself.  I began to eat a lot healthier.  However, on the weekends, I still drank a lot.  Over 4 drinks Friday and Saturday- at the very least.  Drinking conflicted with this new healthy identity that was emerging.  I have a very specific memory of talking to my boyfriend at the time about this.  I told him I looked forward to the day when I could embrace a more healthy lifestyle and limit alcohol.  I remember he laughed.  He said something along the lines of “well…that is not you!”  He could not take my comment seriously.  He saw me as a party person and drinking was such an integral part of our social lives.  I was more impressionable at the time so I believed him.  However, the thought of intentionally limiting alcohol was still in the back of my mind.  

These thoughts emerged stronger post-college.  There were a few reasons for this shift.  One being the nature of my profession.  I graduated from the University of Delaware with a degree in Dietetics.  I spent a lot of time thinking about health.  So it was natural for me to want to limit alcohol to optimize my health. In addition, I moved back home with my family.  I was not going to parties as frequently.  There was less social opportunities to drink.  I decided to take a break from alcohol for the first time in my life.  

During my hiatus from drinking,  I volunteered to drive my friends to a horse race tailgate in northern NJ called “The Hunt.”  If you do not know what this is- I encourage you to google “the hunt horse race.”  You will understand what I was stepping myself into.  It was the first time in my life I was exposed to a lot of drunk people sober.  It was an eye opening experience.  Some of my guy friends were quite touchy.  “Were they always touchy like this when I was drunk?”  I thought to myself.  People repeated the same things over and over again.  As we drove away from the event, people scratched my car.  For the first time in my life I felt a strong sense of disgust about the effects of alcohol.  Overall the experience was annoying and it changed my perspective on the nature of being drunk.  Observing the dark side of alcohol kept me sober for a few more weeks.  But as the intensity of the experience faded, my interest in “just a few drinks” increased.  I did not have a desire to binge drinking, but more so a family-friendly socially acceptable amount.  I felt as though drinking in moderation would provide more benefits than completely abstaining.

RECENT YEARS

Drinking in the past 5 years consisted of roughly 2-4 drinks Friday and Saturday with the occasional “binge”  1-2x per month.  This binge would happen at a social gatherings such as a party, wedding or holiday event. I define binge as over 4 drinks in under 2 hours.  This word feels odd to say because this behavior is socially acceptable.   But the definition of binge drinking for a female is over 4 drinks in under 2 hours. 

Yes, in recent years I drank less than those high school/college days.  But it was still an amount that is technically a health concern.  There is a lot of research to indicate that binging 1x per month can drive a whole host of health problems. And honestly I did not even realize how problematic this was until I actually counted how much I was drinking.  I guess it is human nature to delude negative behaviors and emphasize positive ones.  It is hard to be honest with yourself. 

Since meeting my husband in 2018- we had many talks about taking a break from alcohol. He would say: “Let’s abstain from alcohol for a month”!  I would respond: “Well October is Halloween and we have this and that social event.  And November is Thanksgiving.  Oh and December is Christmas.  And January?  Nah we could not possibly abstain for that month either!”  It was always something.  Each month there was always SOME social event that would involve drinking.  I could not imagine abstaining from alcohol at the social event.  So the sober breaks never happened. 

I kept telling myself the same story over and over again.  I would say: “well I am so healthy with my diet and I do all these other health promoting activities- so is social drinking really that bad?”  I downplayed the amount of times I drank over 3 drinks on a given night.  I downplayed how shitty I felt the morning after a night of drinking and not doing anything productive.  I downplayed the fact that most of the times I said something I regretted was drunk.  I downplayed how shitty alcohol actually tasted.  I transitioned from flavorful cocktails, wine and beer to just straight liquor just so I could maintain my frame.  I made myself think it tasted good.  I also convinced myself alcohol aided social conversations.  I downplayed my ability to socialize and have fun without alcohol.  Way in the back of my mind, I knew alcohol was not serving me. But I always came up with excuses as to why I should continue to consume it.  

SHIFTING PERSPECTIVE

So how did I get to where I am now?  Why did I stop?  I wish the final decision was more ground breaking for the sake of making this blog post more interesting. I was just over it. I became more aware of my excuses and decided enough was enough. 

Once I started to abstain, I searched for resources to continue to shift my perspective on alcohol.  I came across the book “The Easy Way To Control Alcohol” by Allen Carr.  I heard the comedian Nikki Glasser talk about the book on Joe Rogan’s podcast.  She noted that the book inspired her to stop drinking.  I bought it and dove right in!

The book does not focus on the health and social consequences of drinking.  It does not make alcohol out to be this precious thing that you need to exert self control to eliminate.  The book takes a different approach.  It focuses on the positive impact of abstaining from alcohol.  The book breaks down preconceived notions as to why we drink alcohol.  The big one for me was the social argument.  I would tell myself: “oh I just drink because it is a social lubricant”.  But if you really think about it, alcohol is anything but a social lubricant.  All alcohol does is reduce inhibitions.  It just makes you say things you normally would not feel comfortable saying.  I used to think this was a good thing, I am more free to speak my mind!  But if you really think about it, removing inhibitions is a terrible idea socially.  I think we think inhibitions are inherently bad.  But we have inhibitions for a reason.  It is a biological signal telling us to pay attention to social cues.  It is a reflex so we do not say things that will damage social connections.  Isn’t it important that we pay attention to this signal? 

Yes, if one is socially anxious, alcohol may help in that moment.  But then that person is not dealing with their emotions.  They are depending on a substance to cope.

Alcohol makes us less conscious.  After we drink we may say: “Oh wow what a great night- I do not remember much at all!”  Think about that statement a bit.   Was it really a great night if you do not remember it?  If we are not fully present, could we really call that event memorable and joyous?

Another preconceived notion that Carr’s book breaks down is that alcohol steadies nerves.  In the book, Allen compares alcohol to other remedies we use to soothe ourselves when we are uncomfortable.  When we are hot and sweaty, we take a cold shower.  When we are hungry, we eat.  When we are cold we wrap ourselves in a nice warm blanket.  When nerves shoot up, a few deep breaths physically calm us down.  But does alcohol actually steady nerves?  Is it a remedy that makes us feel more comfortable?  Nope, alcohol just deadens sensation.  So yes if you drink you may not feel those negative emotions as strongly in the moment.  But after the alcohol wears off, the feelings emerge again.

We think alcohol increases courage.  We tend to believe fear is a negative thing.  But like inhibitions, fear is a signal from our body.  It signals us to pay attention.  Drinking alcohol does not eliminate the threat.  We just deaden ourselves.  By deadeding our senses, we actually have less tools in the toolkit to deal with the fear.  We are less able to figure out the right way to approach a scary situation.  

I also became more acutely aware of the financial impact of alcohol.  I was spending at least $75 per week on alcohol.  1 drink in the city is $15.  Times that by 6 for the weekend and you are at $90.  That is at least $5,040 per year.  I could buy 2 new laptops with that!  

I became more conscious of alcohol’s impact on my total calorie intake.  1 drink ranges from 100-300 calories.  3 drinks will clock you in at 300-600 calories.  That is roughly ⅓ of my daily calories.  I became more aware of this about 2 years ago due to a small weight gain of 5-10 lb.  I decided to track my calories a bit more closely and I noted that alcohol was a huge source of empty calories.  To combat this, I decided to make a stronger effort to not eat as much on the weekends and focus my alcohol intake primarily on liquor to save calories.  Sure I lost the 5-10 lbs gained, but I also drastically cut my nutrient intake.  300-600 calories from food replaced with alcohol is not a healthy decision.

Lastly, I become more conscious of the negative health impacts of alcohol outside of calories.  I plan to write a longer blog post on this down the line.  But essentially my routine of 1-3 drinks (sometimes more) Friday-Sunday messed up my overall mood and motivation.  Drinking alcohol dramatically drives up the neurotransmitter dopamine.  Dopamine motivates us.  When we drive up dopamine from drugs such as alcohol, we crash in dopamine later.  And this crash is not just experienced the day after a binge with a hangover.  These unnaturally large spikes in dopamine result in a lower baseline of dopamine.  Meaning that during the week, when we are not drinking, we operate at a lower baseline level of dopamine.  This makes us feel dull and less motivated during the week.  By driving down our dopamine baseline, we crave a quick fix of dopamine from alcohol more.  This sets us up in a terrible cycle and dependence on alcohol for joy.

The act of consuming alcohol is not as enjoyable as we may think.  Consuming alcohol just takes away the feelings of deprivation from being sober. 

HOW AM I NOW?

How am I since starting this journey?  Abstaining from alcohol was one of the best decisions of my life.  I feel more motivated, more confident, more energetic, healthier and more at peace.  I am a new person.

But what about the urge to drink?  Currently, I have no urge to drink.  Reading Allen Carr’s book really helped with this.  When I previously gave up alcohol, I still wanted to  drink. I thought there was value to alcohol.  I exerted willpower to not drink.  But willpower only lasts so long.  This time around, I do not see the value in alcohol.  Therefore, I do not need to exert willpower to abstain.  

What about socially?  I actually find that my social conversations are better without alcohol.  The arch of the conversation is very similar to how it was when I drank.  It starts off a bit clumsy in the beginning with the usual small talk. Then after 30 min or so of catching up, the conversation deepens. No alcohol needed!  

I have come to the conclusion that alcohol makes me feel dead inside and less conscious overall.  I want to make this life as beautiful as I can.  I want to engage in life deeply and I do not think alcohol aids in this goal.  The 3-4 hours of drinking is not worth the dulling of the consecutive days.    The pros simply do not outweigh the cons.

I hope you found my story to be interesting.  I would love to hear your thoughts on your relationship with alcohol.   Please feel free to reach out in the comments!